Unusual

It’s unusual

Not me or who I am

Or who I may have been

Maybe who I sometimes pretend to be

What I’ve done is usual stuff

Or so I like to think anyway, you know it’s just easier to believe it is

What’s unusual, I believe

Is the way you don’t give up

On me, on calling, on trying time and time again to connect with this unusual me you know nothing about

I’m not sure I understand

See....no one has ever done this before...

Persisted with the unusual me.

I don’t know how to deal with it.

I’m not sure I understand at all.

Why? 

Do you know? 

M thinking you must know.

What an unusual place t be

So what do I do now? I’m not going to ask you

Or write anymore about it

How do I give up on someone who persists even through this unusual situation.

You must be too good for me

What else can it be

Shit!

I have never really known how to care about myself. I have always been the person whoes heart aches and breaks when I look into your eyes and hers and his and see pain there. I long to make people happy. I love when people laugh and smile. I like the way their eyes light up. They are colourful like a rainbow. You can not help but become addicted to their happiness

I’m slowly learning that I forgot about me

That your hurtful words are for yourself not me

That I am strong, your strength just a weakness that you would rather have me carry extra baggage I don’t need than to face those demons alone

Who are you? 

I thought I knew

Maybe I do

But you hurt me too often

Say things to protect yourself when all you needed to say was...

“I’m sorry”

You challenge

I accept

But when challenged you neglect to answer

You know what I think?

 You don’t know the answer because the problem is not mine. It is yours but your too weak to admit it, face it, fix it.

Who are you? 

Tonight I know.

The oak tree I believed would stand tall forever, well, it fucking fell apart. Branch by branch it came falling down, landed on my body and the ground. 

The same ground I once believed was sacred because you walked there.

Tonight you are the seed that never grows

The wind that never blows

You are lost and scared, afraid, and believing you were crawling under my skin when all along all you were doing was giving me glimpses of your broken self...again.

But to me you are an oak tree that never falls. You are a rose with no thorns because unlike you I see the best in people.

I will always choose to see how good you are.

I will choose to make you the star that I wish upon at night

I think this means I am ok with myself.

Stop pretending that you are.

Or at least

Pretend every day.

You are like multiple personalities. I mean, shit, what can one expect. 

The truth, my darling, is that everything you complain about are the things you need to change about yourself

So be a hero... that’s how I see you

And change.

And please don’t expect it to happen in a second, a minute, or a day.

Change takes time

Please

Be easy on me

But more importantly

Go easy on yourself.

You, my darling, deserve the best

But please remember this girl you kick around

This girl you wish would make not a sound

Well

She is not like the rest

She sees the side of you that dreams and loves and with all the courage of the oak tree will face the seasons one by one

She doesn’t test

To her your thorns are sugar coated roses

She would lick your wounds until they’re gone

Listen to your voice all night long

She doesn’t think that she’s the one

To save you, love you, or change you at all.

All I want is for you to love yourself

So like I said

Don’t judge me

Make the changes and please baby

Be easy on yourself.

You

I like you because when caught off guard, you really know how to care for things

 And people

 and most of all yourself, the self without ego that is.

I like you because even though you are uptight, rude, distracted, and walking a fine line between here and the other place you haven’t found a name for yet, there are still moments when the glimmer of hope in your eyes cannot be concealed by your careless remarks about me and how I behave while all along all you are trying so desperately to do is protect yourself.

I talk because I like being vulnerable. 

You blame your awkwardness on my chatter because you won’t allow vulnerability into your space, or time, or head, let alone your heart. 

I like you because I know your heart bleeds. 

I know your head aches

and I know you crave kind words... like the ones I text that you won’t read.

The ones that linger on the tip off my tongue when you tell me to shut up, be quiet, or at the best of times say you’ve had enough because I just can not stop.

I can stop. 

Can you “start”?

I like you because you don’t know where things begin.

You only like endings! 

Admit it! 

Endings are what you fear the most,

Arent they? 

There have been too many endings for you, too many false starts, and now you end everything in the beginning and the middle too scared to see it through.

It’s been a long time since anything has really “ended” around you.

You won’t let it. 

It hurts too much! 

But that’s a lie.

Only you can let it hurt

Only you hold on to pain that belongs in the past.

Only you can remain a prisoner of your mind.

Taking all those trivial wounds from the past  into your future 

wrapped like Christmas presents that you will open year after year after year because you are so afraid to let them go.

I like you because I see the man who wants to escape the chains that have held you captive for so long. 

I believe that this is why you keep trying to convince yourself that you don’t like me. 

You know I see all that you have spent so many years trying to hide.

You know I’ve read between the lines. 

I hear the chords you strum. 

I feel the blood you bled when from all the hurt you try to hide your eye catches mine and silently begs me to stop but nit fir too long or you might bleed all over me as well

I don’t care

You think I do

You, 

Well, you, just can not stand to know that I know the man behind the man

You think that I still want...

What you gave me at the start

But no

While you were busy ending things that never had begun

I was crying tears 

Speaking to myself at night

Vulnerability in my sight 

Because all I really wanted was to see you happy, smiling, being the guy I saw that instant when our eyes met, that milli~second when you’re heart pierced through your weary brain and without you even knowing decided that I was going to be allowed to see who you really were.

You know who you are! 

That’s what you said to me? 

The problem here is that I wanted to allow myself to know myself when you so kindly gave me permission to but you

Well

You

You don’t want to know yourself at all 

That may  mean that  endings might  really come and call, maybe destroy your Illusions of today, the future maybe? and you, yes you, you’re  too busy planning how to halt beginnings and middles and then blaming it all on me because it’s so much easier to blame others than to take responsibility

You said that to me once as well

Shortly after sent me to hell

To bleed alone

I really didn’t mind it. I found myself there you see.

Perhaps you will choose not to see any of this

Oh well

I like you because you can’t hide from me

I don’t care who you pretend to be

I have felt your skin when you relaxed

Heard your song when you sat back

I have allowed myself to see your soul

How?

I think you know

That is why you ask me to leave

You know how to quiet me down

Get me to stop

Make not a sound

I don’t have to fidget

Or so much as move

But hey

Enough said

Because you know what to do

And yes, admit it, you are afraid of how that may feel

You are more afraid than me

Scared of what all of it might mean

You say good night

Please go away

Maybe

Maybe

Come back another day

Because you know I will

I like you because deep in the lonely corners of your heart where the blood has dried and thunder roars and lighting strikes the guitar cords that scream and keep you up at night....there ...in there....you know that I am perfect as I am and I would not change you at all. I don’t expect a thing. 

Unconditionally is all I bring 

And you are so fucking afraid of that 

So you pretend that I don’t know, or care

And the moment you stop blaming me for your fear.

Will be the moment when all you think is far away, gone forever, hurting still, aches in heart, pain in chest, emptiness, unwanted stress, how can I? Where have I been? All those dreaded thoughts you have will turn into this long, untraveled, endless road where the possibility of seeing it through will ignite your heart and let the man be really YOU

Because

God damn it

She likes me just the way I am

And at last you can say out loud

It’s not really you at all 

it has only been my perception of shit

Because fuck I am just not used to being liked the way that you like me

Just as I am 

And you would not change a thing

And then you will see the side of me  that sits so still and just loves to be

Silent, gentle, kind, and strong

I’m all the chords inside your song

Shit

I thought that I was done

But now I remember the Christmas tree

Your voice dropped so quickly, 

you became that whisper that everyone wants to hear, you know when they ache and bleed as you do..that whisper that comes and relieves the pain? 

Your voice was magic in my ears.

You were happiness as only poets can describe

But within a second you were gone.

And afraid that I might start to talk too much again 

I left

I ran away too

But if I could turn back time

I would have given you what you really need

I wish I could tell you what that is

But I can’t

Because you are still too busy

Thinking about 

Well, damn it

The way you wanted it to be

And the truth is that what you wanted is everything I have ever thought about, dreamed about, longed for in my mind and heart for much too long 

Damn 

I was too stupid to see it

I guess we are both to blame

“Sigh”

Fuck

I hope one day soon 

We can try this whole damn thing again

Vent

Sometimes I try too hard!
Sometimes I don't try hard enough!
There are times I ask myself, "Why did I say that?"  And times when I wonder why I didn't say anything at all.
Sometimes I wish I knew how to let go of situations that hurt me.
Sometimes I am proud of myself for trying to hold on.
I am honest!
But sometimes I do try to cover up the truth.
I have sense of humour!
But my heart is easily broken, I also know sadness.
I long to be understood.
I find it easy to understand others!
I know who I am and what I yearn for!! Yet there are times that I question this.
I will do the right thing!
I will also do the wrong thing!
I have a passion for things I believe in, a passion so strong that I would give up every material thing I own if it meant putting a smile on the face of someone who I knew had been sad for much too long.
I'm good!
I'm also bad!
I am a mixture of body, mind, and spirit!
I am weak!
I am strong!
Sometimes I am scared of everything!
Sometimes fear will never lead me!
I have never claimed to be perfect yet I have seen perfection in the eyes of every single person I have ever met!
I don't enjoy  feeling needy, but because I know how to live on feelings alone, I willingly give all I can to those who may need me.
I say fuck a lot!
I love more than I fuck!
I am many things!
There are many things I still want to be!
I will be mis-understood by few
Understood by many!!!
There are so many things I think I know
Things I wish I had not seen
Things I wish I could take back.
I have regrets
I wish I knew how to let them go and proudly claim " I have no regrets"
But I am good with the fact that maybe  I am not ready to release them just yet.
I can keep going ... some times I go on an on and on.
There are times when I don't say anything at all!
Sometimes I accept myself for what i am and
My friends will tune me out knowing that all I really need is to vent.. and they know it's ok with me that they are texting someone else. We understand each other at that moment
They know that in my quiet moments I am hearing every word they speak
sometimes i want everything and sometimes don't want anything at all
There are times when all i want is what we can't have
These are the times when i hurt the most
These are the times when I long to be understood
But it's only because I am having a hard time understanding myself.

So what am I really trying to say?
Like it or not we are all the same.
We all feel what I wrote above.
Just for today look deep into the eyes of another human being who has angered you
choose to see all the hidden love that lurks there
Allow them to be whatever they are feeling at the moment
Forget about words and actions too
Love with all your heart
Expect nothing in return
That moment of your life may save that person many hours of pain, indecisiveness, and fear
It may save their life!
and chances are
it may very well save you!

Sometimes I will edit everything I write hoping that others like the comas and the periods and believe that they are all in the right place, you know how they, should! Be;
Most times! I don't edit' a: thjbg!
I am not the "B"egining or the end ".!?"
I am whatever you choose to see!
I could say
"I don't care what you think of me! "
But sometimes I do care because I see the best in you
Of course there will be times when I hope you can see the best in me!
Sometimes I just don't know when to "stop"
And sometimes
I do!