A BLOG: just now

A BLOG: just now: There is no high higher than a smile that is genuine. Once upon a time… I waited anxiously; phone in hand, twenty dollars in the sl...

Because you dared

Once upon a time it seems 

I had only dreams 

Wishes maybe 

A fairy tale in my mind 

One that stayed with me since I was young 

Too young to remember when 

Too young to know the difference between reality and what may be if I could let my mind wonder into my heart all day and night 

One night I thought of you 

Had dreams of pink and purple too 

Beauty was it’s name 

My dream became what I daydreamed about 

Long lonely days 

Night where I held tight to what I wanted in the future 

I was wrong 

Young 

Beautiful 

You were always beauty to my heart 

My soul thought of you all the time 

Your voice the first time I heard you speak was a nursery rhyme

Soft 

Sweet 

Mystical 

Yet far from me 

I gasped and grasped 

But yiu fell through the cracks 

And so I waited 20 years 

I not alone 

You more alone than I ever dreamed someone could be 

Oh if only I could turn back time 

I would have placed you in a rhyme where we fell deep in love 

And every picket fence I wished upon was us

Now 

Four weeks in 

I think of all you did to capture just one moment all alone with me

I have only one choice 

Thank you,  I say each night that you didn’t give up 

On me 

Or us 

Or your thoughts about me whatever they were or are or might yet be 

You hold so tight 

Yet somehow stay away 

Just enough so I can say all those beautiful thoughts I’ve hidden in my heart for all those years we were apart 

Do youI feel anything I wonder all the time 

Not quite because I believe you feel it too

I hope you do 

You 

Of all people you

I want to say what my heart feels 

Write your name upon this page and declare to the world in a sort of way

But not today not just yet 

You see 

Well 

A sort of love filled rage roars in my heart 

I love you it wants to scream at you and me and the world as well 

But I want you to say it first 

I know 

You know 

That you love me already 

YouI always did maybe never stopped 

Life got in our way 

Fairytales were lost into the past and future always thinking of another day or way

Who cares, you know what I mean 

You are my beautiful man 

Oh yes yes I think of you 

I let you be 

It’s so easy 

You think of me this I know is true 

But you don’t give me anything to go on because you’re scared 

I wish I could wipe your fear away 

Kiss your pain from yeasterday

I hope you know that you are 

Beauty 

Joy 

Golden heart 

So close yet far 

Away 

Right now 

I have never missed anyone so peacefully 

That’s you 

Peacefully beautiful man 

Who at last came back to me 

Close your mind and with your heart you will see 

Your name 

Here

“.       “ 

Thank you for coming back 

For staying 

For persisting 

The joy you brought 

Gave me everything that I was missing 

Puzzle now complete 

Thanks 

It’s perfect now 

Because of you 

Everything I thought was old 

Has now become new

Again 

I really do love only you 

Always have 

Too bad I didn’t know it all those years you 

Yes you 

Beautiful you 

You know you were missing something too

So all those puzzles we completed were for a reason 

We both were missing just one piece 

Found at last 

I hope you realize that I’m your missing link and you are mine 

I have to laugh at myself now 

For once in my life I know 

Somehow that you love me in that perfect way that you have always dreamed of 

Wished for maybe 

Thought and lived your life for 

So I guess we both found the open door that was there all along 

I’m so sorry that you felt alone 

Through the years 

And through the storms that life threw your way

If I could turn back time I would have wiped away all the tears and loved you like I love you today 

What a thrill

What a mountain I stand on 

So happy I am 

At last 

For in your arms I have found 

The only perfect that lasts 

And lasts 

Love in its entirety 

You 

If all people you 

Came into my life and turned night into light 

Yes you 

Because of you I can win the battles and the fight 

I can walk in water 

I can be all I have prayed for 

Wished upon 

The star

We both saw 

You know the one 

That single star 

Up in the sky is us 

Together for a day 

A night 

It doesn’t matter what you do or say or think 

To me you will always be 

The one who helped believe in dreams 

And the possibility 

That they may come true 

You 

Made the fairytale in my heart come true 

Unusual

It’s unusual

Not me or who I am

Or who I may have been

Maybe who I sometimes pretend to be

What I’ve done is usual stuff

Or so I like to think anyway, you know it’s just easier to believe it is

What’s unusual, I believe

Is the way you don’t give up

On me, on calling, on trying time and time again to connect with this unusual me you know nothing about

I’m not sure I understand

See....no one has ever done this before...

Persisted with the unusual me.

I don’t know how to deal with it.

I’m not sure I understand at all.

Why? 

Do you know? 

M thinking you must know.

What an unusual place t be

So what do I do now? I’m not going to ask you

Or write anymore about it

How do I give up on someone who persists even through this unusual situation.

You must be too good for me

What else can it be

Shit!

I have never really known how to care about myself. I have always been the person whoes heart aches and breaks when I look into your eyes and hers and his and see pain there. I long to make people happy. I love when people laugh and smile. I like the way their eyes light up. They are colourful like a rainbow. You can not help but become addicted to their happiness

I’m slowly learning that I forgot about me

That your hurtful words are for yourself not me

That I am strong, your strength just a weakness that you would rather have me carry extra baggage I don’t need than to face those demons alone

Who are you? 

I thought I knew

Maybe I do

But you hurt me too often

Say things to protect yourself when all you needed to say was...

“I’m sorry”

You challenge

I accept

But when challenged you neglect to answer

You know what I think?

 You don’t know the answer because the problem is not mine. It is yours but your too weak to admit it, face it, fix it.

Who are you? 

Tonight I know.

The oak tree I believed would stand tall forever, well, it fucking fell apart. Branch by branch it came falling down, landed on my body and the ground. 

The same ground I once believed was sacred because you walked there.

Tonight you are the seed that never grows

The wind that never blows

You are lost and scared, afraid, and believing you were crawling under my skin when all along all you were doing was giving me glimpses of your broken self...again.

But to me you are an oak tree that never falls. You are a rose with no thorns because unlike you I see the best in people.

I will always choose to see how good you are.

I will choose to make you the star that I wish upon at night

I think this means I am ok with myself.

Stop pretending that you are.

Or at least

Pretend every day.

You are like multiple personalities. I mean, shit, what can one expect. 

The truth, my darling, is that everything you complain about are the things you need to change about yourself

So be a hero... that’s how I see you

And change.

And please don’t expect it to happen in a second, a minute, or a day.

Change takes time

Please

Be easy on me

But more importantly

Go easy on yourself.

You, my darling, deserve the best

But please remember this girl you kick around

This girl you wish would make not a sound

Well

She is not like the rest

She sees the side of you that dreams and loves and with all the courage of the oak tree will face the seasons one by one

She doesn’t test

To her your thorns are sugar coated roses

She would lick your wounds until they’re gone

Listen to your voice all night long

She doesn’t think that she’s the one

To save you, love you, or change you at all.

All I want is for you to love yourself

So like I said

Don’t judge me

Make the changes and please baby

Be easy on yourself.